i know the equilibrium is there

ladies love chet rockwell

2006-02-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

i called my first code blue today. BSL's of 1.1 and running in VF. pretty sure i did the right thing, but boy it's intense, you've got 10 people all asking you different things at the same time, meanwhile, i'm putting in a 16g cannula and trying not to fuck it up. it all kinda worked out in the end, she's still in the ward and alive. hopefully for a while. she'd already had a code blue called in her earlier on, god knows why she was still under our care. what i thought was interesting though was how long (well it seemed like ages) between me going "call a fucking code blue" to it being announced over the PA. maybe it was all in my mind. the irony though, was that 2 hours earlier i was presenting the new diabetic inpatient management guidelines to a bunch of consultants at the professorial meeting, the hypoglycaemic protocol was still in my head. godbless 50mls of 50%. oh and ABC's, they really work. everytime a pt crashes on me, ABC's saves the day.

is it wrong to say i enjoyed it, because i did. working under that sort of pressure with such huge consequences really appeals to me. perhaps i should look at intensive care rotations at some stage as a resident.

anyway, that's my fun for the day. ps salary packaging and overtime rocks.

yatzah

2006-02-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

lifes good at the moment. i'm just putting the finishing touches to a 140 hour fortnight and i'm on call again this weekend, but it's not that bad, as i'm actually enjoying the work. things get a bit stupid when you admit 15 patients from the night before, whilst still managing the 30 something we've got on the ward, but it's starting to settle down. i actually had time to go have a coffee the other day and sort out all this salary packaging shit. no tax for baz for the next couple of months.

we've also had our own medstudent, luckily enough a guy from medleys (lou, take a guess who it was). that's been quite fun, despite me not knowing things in 100% detail, it's great to teach the simple stuff and it's amazing what you can remember.

all this time working is taking away from enjoying other shit though, which is pissing me off. for example, i was meant to have a half day today, but instead i was working again, which meant missing dinner with xiang and min. this is something i must work on, as i can see exactly how this job can swallow people. anyway, min.. dinner tommorrow unless i've got to go to some halal place with the crazy iraqi reg. and lou, yeah the longer you leave doing IV's the harder it's going to be. i had 'procedure' anxiety for a couple of days there, but it's all good now. doing 15 resites on the weekend, with a handful and ngt's and idc's really makes you comfortable with it. but yeah, i always still desterilise myself when doing idc's, somethings from semester 8 never change. at least this time the lube doesn't explode all over the patient.

lou: we were driving down to geelong to see henry rollins do a show. however we spent nearly the whole drive trying to think of the word who's definition is the abnormal joining of two endothelial surfaces. so frustrating when both of you know it, but can't think of it. thanks for answering it and letting us both enjoy the rest of the night.

there's a few people i owe some phone calls to. don't worry, they're coming.

those four magic words

2006-01-19T00:45:00.000-08:00

after losing my half day thanks to 11 new pt's overnight and the other reg still not accepting pt's, i heard those four magical words that changed my day, not jules the emergency nurse saying 'take me now ryan', but from my consultant saying 'i'll authorise your overtime'. thank fuck.

bombay 305 miles

2006-01-17T03:08:00.000-08:00

2 days, 25 hours of work, with the promise of more. so much more. dealing with family meetings, pt's crashing, nurses who hound you for stupid shit and a cunt of a reg in the other unit who refuses to accept pt's becaus he's studying. what a motherfucker. so we've got ~30 something pts, the other unit had 7.

it's busy, but it's good. i'm actually enjoying parts of it immensely and it's good debriefing with everyone. but seriously though, i need some sleep and some time to go pee and eat and drink.

cicatriz

2006-01-07T03:56:00.000-08:00

what a day.

woke up, got in the car and went for a drive. that drive ended up being all the way to apollo bay, then somehow we ended up in a plane over the twelve apostles. after a long drive back, i'm home

i rate spontaneity highly

latina simone

2006-01-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

how funny, today i got a letter to renew my licence, nothing new there. however, i also got a letter, congratulating me on not getting any demerit points and offering me a 25% discount. haha, what a joke, i'm one of the most idiotic drivers i know, speeding and taking stupid risks.

anyway, off my p plates now. thank fuck. chi, it's up to you now.

it's also been good catching up with a lot of people over the past few days. good luck to those of you that start next week.

the morning after

2005-12-30T15:10:00.000-08:00

last couple of weeks have been nice and chill, exactly what i've wanted. got to see people, got to chill with people, got to do nothnig and kick back on my couch, also got some diving and xbox in. the summer of baz, it's all good.

happy new year, for this next year is going to be a bit of a laugh.

oh, the diving wasn't in that pool, just in case you were wondering.

joga

2005-12-19T16:12:00.000-08:00

thank god. got confirmation today. it's all good, my life can go back to its state of equilibrium.

it's a level playing field now. well, at least for some.

bienvenidos

2005-12-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

i haven't felt so low about life and myself for a while.

it hurts. it hurts like you can't believe. it hurts also because i know it's not my fault but i blame myself anyway. and once again, i've been robbed of something. i always get by, but everything is tainted. even my car, everytime i look at it, it's not "perfect" as it was. it sounds so fucking stupid and petty. but maybe that's just me. petty, but with boyish good looks.

i'll get over it. tonite will help. my friends will help. they always do.

why hip hop sux in '96

2005-10-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

rabbit in your headlights

2005-10-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

why is finding a car so bloody hard to do?

there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

2005-09-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

i jumped in the river and what did I see?
black-eyed angels swimming with me
a moon full of stars and astral cars
all the figures i used to see
all my lovers were there with me
all my past and futures
and we all went to heaven in a little row boat

there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

i've got a cowboy life and a rhinestone wife.

2005-09-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

so yeah. moving house tommorrow, new start etc. etc. expect me to disappear off the radar for a bit while phone/internet/etc gets connected.

what side of the line are you on?

everybody dies

2005-09-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

six feet under has finished. the final episode was the best episode of television i've ever watched. i keep replaying the last few minutes, trying to digest it, i won't ruin it because i know xiu watches it. anyway, if you get a chance, watch this series.

meanwhile, the post medleys depression is slowly lifting and talk is underway about a comedy festival show. what larks. oh and louise and i also saw a leprechaun. amazing.

we can be happy under mao

2005-08-28T01:18:00.000-07:00

i haven't slept. i want to but i cant. i've just got an sms from terri and cried over it. i have this feeling of emptyness that i can't get rid of. like a huge part of my life has been taken away from me and i can't get it back. like i've lost it forever and it'll never be as good as it was. it's really hard to articulate what i'm feeling.

last night's party was something special. infact the whole week was. but yeah, last night was a step up. dj's, spa, insane lightning and of course, the people. it's the people that make medleys what it is, 25 people who for a week are living, breathing and sleeping with each other. these people become your family, getting you through the hard long days of rehersals with little to no sleep. then, everyone lifts to put on the show, it's a fkn amazing feeling having 400 people laugh at you on stage because of something you've said or written. it's a combination of all these things that binds everyone together and this is no more evident then at the parties.

and now it's gone. it's all finished, i've had my fun, spent my time and now i'm never to return to the group. sure i can go to parties here and there, but it's not just about that. it's about the whole experience... an experience i can never have again.

2005-08-28T01:17:00.000-07:00

medleys

2005-08-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

medleys

2005-08-28T01:15:00.000-07:00

medleys love

2005-08-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

medleys

2005-08-28T01:12:00.000-07:00

medleys

i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul

2005-08-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

medleys: fuck it's taking a long time, but it's going to be worth it. call me or email me if you need tickets, i'd hurry up, it's close to selling out already.

lou: we're really going to miss you. i'm sure you're going to have a great time up there and it'll be good for you to be back with your family. that said, i'm still dissappointed you're going.

nine inch nails: wow. a perfect performance, a perfect set and a perfect night out with some good mates. i hadn't been that impressed with a gig for ages. i think i might shell out some money for black eyed peas now, i've been really missing not going to gigs. there's something about live music that makes me feel good.

2005-08-19T02:28:00.001-07:00

nin - live

2005-08-19T02:28:00.000-07:00

nin - live

2005-08-19T02:27:00.001-07:00

nin - live

2005-08-19T02:27:00.000-07:00

nin - live

i want you to notice when i'm not around

2005-08-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

it's been a while;

gp: this gp rotation is pretty bloody good. the amount of autonomy and faith my supervisor has in me brings confidence. it's also been good to show what particular areas i need work in (ie explaining conditions to patients). i really dig the diagnostic uncertanties in the gp world, where patients come in with vague symptoms, you send them off for a couple of tests and all is revealed. the bread and butter stuff however, would make me kill myself, we had 9 urtis in a row on tuesday. sigh. perhaps i could be physician? there's a magical phrase i've used up here that opens up so many doorways: "i think i'd like to be a rural general surgeon". Surgeons, hospital staff, other docs all love it. "oh ryan, let's go out to tea and discuss it", or "you'd better be in theatre most of the next week so you can get a good taste of what it's like". i usually respond by going "ok". seriously though, the amount of dinners and lunches i've got is extraordinary, i've barely had to fend for myself. everyone in the community has been so welcoming, they do a fantastic job of selling their community to you. it's quite sad though, that they're that desperate for health care professionals....

medleys: www.themedrevue.com (still not quite finished). it's strange how i'm feeling about the show this year. on one hand i'm excited about the performance, it's a fantastic series of sketches and an amazing musical, i've got great roles and the people are exceptional this year. but on the other hand, this is it. 6 years of medleys and it's all over in exactly 3 weeks time. it sounds so stupid but it's been a huge part of my life and i'm going to miss it dearly. most landmark events in my life pass me by, usually without me realising their signifigance at the time, but with the end of medleys, it feels different. difficult to explain and i'll probably elaborate on it later. time to go watch some tv.

2005-08-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

medleys 2005

sit down, stand up

2005-07-26T18:56:00.000-07:00

it was as if i could see the future a week or two ago

voltron - the movie

i know i'm going to be disappointed, but i can still hope. I wonder which voltron they're going to use, the original one, or the one made of the robotic lions.

thank you god

this shit is bananas

2005-07-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

last weekend was one of the best weekends of my life. there's something about medleys weekends and medleys parties that's just so intangible, but it's what really makes it special. medleys seems to draw so many like minded people. i'm going to miss it so dearly. the post medleys depression is going to hit unbelieveably hard, during august these people become your family, seeing them day in, day out, eating, living sleeping with them. then on the sunday, everyone goes their own seperate ways and back into reality.

i guess i should say something about internships. looking at the calibre people that got into western hospital has me stunned. there's unbelieveably high achievers working there next year, how the fuck did they not get their first preferences. in retrospect i was a fucking idiot only having two preferences and i consider my self amazingly lucky for getting in and not being unmatched, like so many of my local and international friends.

time wears away all the pleasures of the day

2005-07-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

there's this show airin the UK called top gear. i got hooked on it when i was travelling over there during christmas. it's basically a motoring show, but it's one of the funniest things on television. you don't need to be interested in cars to appreciate the humour, the stuff they do on it is fantastic. anyway, the moral of the story is, i've started downloading them again, and i've been in stitches all weekend. to give you a taste of what the show's like, here's a clip (you need realplayer). they put to the test an old toyota hilux, to see how "unbreakable" it really is. television gold.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/topgear/downloads/hilux_broadband.ram

another thing the show has become famous for, are it's incredible races. here's one where they race an aston martin and a european very fast train in a journey from england to monaco

http://www.bbc.co.uk/topgear/downloads/aston_vs_train_broadband.ram

http://www.bbc.co.uk/topgear/

something else i've been reading, is that steven spielberg has got on board and is making a movie on the transformers!!!! please please please please please don't fuck it up. and if optimus prime dies again, i will cry. those blasted deceptacons.

something else that needs a movie made for it, is voltron:

.... or i'd settle for a costume like that.

king for a day, fool for a lifetime

2005-07-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

why is it so difficult for me, a 23 year old male, 15 weeks away from being a doctor, reasonably intelligent and with boyish good looks, to gain the ability of being able to read music. preschool children can bash the piano away and hit the correct notes. yet i lack this seemingly basic skill? for some reason it's something that i'm absolutely struggling with. perhaps it's because i learn to play music by ear? anway, it's something i'd like to have at least a basic understanding of by the time holidays end.

melbourne weather is shitting me as well. rain, rain, rain, rain - sunshine -, grab the bike, put on all the gear, rain, curse loudly, rain, rain. hope all you guys are making the most of your tropical weather.

parabol

2005-07-12T04:19:00.000-07:00

So familiar and overwhelmingly warm This one, this form I hold now. Embracing you, this reality here, This one, this form I hold now, so Wide eyed and hopeful. Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment, Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside... This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

/

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment, We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal All this pain is an illusion.

Alive, I

In this holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal All this pain is an illusion.

Twirling round with this familiar parable. Spinning, weaving round each new experience. Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

never cheer before you know who's winning

2005-07-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

another week. spent the weekend looking at cars and houses. unfortunately, my eyes are bigger then my wallet with both of these things, but scheesh, it sure was fun to drive a turbo'd bmw 545. that thing has some poke. looks like an older e34 m5 will be within my price range though, going to check out a couple more this week :D as long as i don't end up like dr. bak in his ford festiva, i'll be happy.

with houses though, it's another thing entirely. there's just so much crap on the market. i was discussing with lou before the euphamisms they use. cosy equates to tiny, etc. Even though you can read between the lines with the ads, these places once you look at them are invariably a let down. ah well, off to look at another place once i finish this post, but yeah i might have to resort to sharehousing again, or look further out. kicking myself i didn't buy another bed and take mins room....

i've also been spending time with a recent ghost from the past. we've just been "fitting in" together and it feels like old times. there's just some emotions you can't turn off, no matter how much you want to.

blardy jack johnson, i've been corrupted

i need this here old train to breakdown

2005-07-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

exams. done and done. why did we even study, especially since I spent the majority of the emergency station talking to the emergency physcian about how he tried to have sex with his gp's daughter. that pretty much sums up osce's for me.

it turns out now, i've got a whole lot of free time this holidays to use (but less sunshine). as i'm writing this, most of my uni friends are either packing up their stuff, or winging their way back home in some sunny part of the world. virtually all of my non-uni friends are working. so, if you're reading this, are my friend and located in melbourne, gimme a buzz, we'll go do something.

in the meantime, i might go for a ride.

ps. (jack johnson's album is actually quite good)

a desert search for a techno allah

2005-07-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

seriously, the past two exams have been an absolute joke. that's all i'm going to say on that. so what else has been going on in my life for the past week? not bloody much. did some study, chatted to a few people on msn and have pretty much taken it easy. it's setting a dangerously relaxed preceeden...

with all this time to kill, it's given me the oppurunity to think. i'm really missing the companionship that comes from a relationship. not having someone there to automatically go and do stuff with. being social now requires effort, whereas before, hours or even days could be filled based on a whim. at the moment, there's no default option. if I want to go out and do stuff, unless i want to go out and do it by myself, i need to hunt down someone to join me. after having someone by my side as my best friend for the past 5 years, it feels bloody strange not to have it anymore. it's like a bit of me is missing...

tom cruise has held my interest over the past week, the guy's clearly manic. how ironic that the very "pseudoscience" that he loathes, could help him get better.

push the envelope, watch it bend

2005-06-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

it's been a while. but that's ok, good things come to those that wait. i think unplugging the internet/msn did help my study. we'll see how it goes this week.

it was a nice and chill the other night at lou's place. i've got a lot of time for most of the people there. this past semester i've re-encountered some people who i've had dealings with earlier in the medical course and i realised they've either changed a hell of a lot, or i misread them earlier on. either way, it was good to sit around and converse (and gossip).

i also dug up the old cd we recorded back in 1997. that's like 8 years ago. far out. 8 years and it still seems like last month we put together the demo. it was pretty awesome to put it on though and listen to all those songs we slaved over for god knows how many weekends. some of the stuff still sounds good, i might upload a track or two just for giggles. but far out, 8 years and on the surface so little has changed. i'm still without full time employment, i'm still stuck in a regimented educational institution, i'm still studying and i'm still skinny! on the face of it, the only difference is now my age begins with a 2 and i wear glasses! oh and I had a cancer scraped from off my back. it's been a good 8 years. but still, next year it's all going to be different, job, income, career and a great group of friends. what more is needed?

ps. i was wrong about ipod shuffles, mine finally came last week, it's pretty tops. so tiny.

edit: here's a track we did another version of it with strings behind it, sounded really good: http://www.sendmefile.com/00010277

and another

http://www.sendmefile.com/00010285

a groan of tedium escapes me

2005-06-18T03:59:00.000-07:00

seeing as i just uploaded this for lou, i might as well share it with everyone else:

Handsome Boy Modeling School - Breakdown ft. Jack Johnson

http://www.sendmefile.com/00007746

here's another,

Handsome Boy Modeling School - A Day In The Life ft. RZA, Cedric Bixler, Omar Rodriguez and Ag

http://www.sendmefile.com/00007749

back to the study, cheerio then.

i'm here alone, on the telephone line

2005-06-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

this song has been stuck in my head for a while, what better way to get it out of my head then by sharing it. it's a great mellow song by one of my fav artists.

mike patton - just a man

http://www.sendmefile.com/00007328

last night was fun. the show is pretty much written though i've got some more ideas that i'll try and write up this weekend. looks like i'll have a pretty big role in the musical as the all singing, all dancing chairman mao. is there anyone in the cast that looks less like chairman mao then me, the tallest, whitest bloke in the cast? let's not even mention the singing and dancing bit. it was also great to party with the medleys crew and catch up with some ghosts of medleys past. the book even got a work out. it's taken a while, but i think i remembered how to write between the lines correctly.

pull me into your perfect circle

2005-06-15T00:36:00.000-07:00

it's funny how apathetic everyone is towards exams at the moment. we all recognise the importance of them and there's a certain aprehensiveness as they draw nearer, but the apathy that's present amongst us is overwhelming.

i'm pretty certain about going to the western now. there's too many positives in its favour and not enough to tip RMH over the line. there's also how i feel about going to the western. someone said to me today "you like to be the big fish in a small pond". i don't like to be judged, but that statement rang true and honestly it seems to be the crux of why i want to make it western, how histrionic of me....

i'll keep on gliding along

Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.


my goodness people are stupid

2005-06-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

bloody bikers

metaphor for a perfect moment

2005-06-12T00:06:00.000-07:00

wow.

260km/h is fast. what's scary is i could've gone a lot faster, but what they don't tell you is the wind resistance at that speed is amazingly powerful. you've got just got to hold on and and keep twisting the accelerator. glad i went out today, freezing cold and dead exhausted now, but it was all worth it, this bike riding stuff is pretty addictive. photos to come....

time for a nap.

"Current Music: Dan The Automator - Archie and Veronica" i love it when a friend listens to the music i recommend to them. it's like sharing a bit of yourself and having them accept it. thanks min.

I'd sell
My soul
My self-esteem a dollar at a time

One chance
One kiss
One taste of you my magdalena

the more i stay with you, the line begins to blur

2005-06-06T04:13:00.000-07:00

i just remembered this, it's my fav quote from psych and i think it's worth a new post:

louise: "so if you weren't the holy ghost, what would you be doing at this moment?"

patient: "you know, sitting around with me mates having a few beers and a smoke, perhaps checking out the girls"

i'm more then just a little curious how you're planning to go about making your amends

2005-06-06T01:10:00.000-07:00

i think lou has already summed up what happenned today quite nicely. i think we handled it the right way. just kept talking to the dude and finished it ASAP. it's still not you expect to have to deal with, but we were idiots for not having a duress alarm :D

meanwhile, saw quite a lot of schizophrenia today (and moe citizens), i think it's a good thing to start seeing patients before exams considering how slack i've been thus far. meanwhile, the decision between RMH and WH is still playing in my mind. the roster for WH is very very tempting. damn this, i'm usually a decisive person. i should count my blessings for *potentially* being in a position to choose.

a ride up the black spur is looking good for this weekend....

poor lubie:

you and me are the disease and the germs are spreading

2005-06-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

there's nothing like flying down a hill on a motorbike early in the morning, the cold wind rushing through you, with the sun beaming down. it's amazingly invigorating, gives you a real zest for life. that's the worst thing about living in melbourne i think, is that i can no longer go out and do a lot of fun things outside in the wild open spaces. things like tieing a tractor tube to the landcruiser and letting it pull you up the river on it, blatting around on the motorbike chasing steers and even just making the biggest bloody bonfires you could think of. it was a good thing to be a kid on the farm, i'd like my kids to experience that i reckon... perhaps a little hobby farm.

apart from that, the past few days have been pretty quiet, nailed the western interview (:D), withdrew from ballarat, burnt some bridges in medleys and developed an intense dislike for child psychiatry. did i mention i obtained a pink shirt? *cough*

anyway after on my favourite photos, here comes two photos that explain quite well, why i won't dance.... just incase someone has a camera. i love the looks on the crowds faces whilst these two people do their funky thing....

don't doubt your ability to become my perfect enemy

2005-06-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

Go to sleep
We're so tired now
Altogether in a snake pit of souls
New days
To throw your chains away
To try to hang your hopes on the wind

Little one
Just a little way
Today all we need is waiting

Night rise
Like the evening prize
In a turnstile backwards we fly
Cold bones
Tied together by
Black ropes we pulled from a swing

Little one
Just a little way
Today all of the dreams are waking

Can't stand on crooked legs
I'm cross-eyed to the wall
In these harbor lights
Satellites explode

Drown, drown
Sailors run aground
In a seachange nothing is safe
Strange waves
Push us every way
In a stolen boat we'll float away

Little one
Hold on
All of the dreams are wasting

love is a two way dream

2005-05-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

Preference	Hospital/Postition
1	Melbourne Health (Royal Melbourne Hospital)
2	Western Health (Western Hospital)

edit: so it's just come to my attention that certain (new) cast members of the show are bitching about the medleys show title "ernie dingo ate my baby". this has got me pretty irked at the moment. we've had plenty of time to discuss show titles, both pros and cons. the title was democratically elected last week, with plenty of chances for people to air their concerns. what's really pissing me off is when is when i try and discuss it with these certain members, i'm getting nowhere.

them:"i find the show title offensive"

me: "how exactly is it causing offence?"

them: "it just is."

if they're going to answer questions like that, then there's no way i can work out a resolution. if it's going to be the shit "sleeping with the anenome" i'm seriously considering not doing the show. it's a weak title for a fantastic show.

sigh.

meanwhile, the greatest photo in the world:

you're consumed with rage but i'm consumed with you

2005-05-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

cruisy weekend. spent it studying and writing medleys material, what more could a final year medical student want out of it? perhaps a social life? we'll see about that. take things one step at a time. but seriously it was just nice to chill at home, with no commitments and do things in my time.

but in other news, i went shopping today. i think it's good for the soul, i really do. sure some people enjoy spending their time shopping, i know i do myself on occasions, especially if it's for something big or for someone special, but today was all about the bargain. literally within 5 minutes it was all over for me (thanks to lou for her eye for style). a couple of shirts and some nice marcs jeans for $100, "she'll be apples love". then xiu and xiang joined us for some more shopping frivolity, spoke to jia on the phone who gave strict instructions to try and curb xiangs clothing spending habits (heh). talking to jia on the phone, it was funny to hear his "accent" (he's from south gippsland). it wasn't the full on"sounds like you've just gargled with rocks in your throat" bogan gippsland accent, but it was strange to hear it out of the blue, reminded me of home, funny how my friends are ending up with country boys *cough*. anyway, not sure how little (or much) xiu and xiang spent, i only hope it was therapy for their soul. i think lou was a bit dissappointed she didn't pick up a bargain. meanwhile, i'll sit her waiting for the boxing day sales.

a bad joke, but it makes me laugh and i need something to finish with:

" Victa are releasing a new lawnmower model.. It's call the Schapelle - it holds 4kg of grass, and comes with a 20 year guarantee"

your eyes cried at last, told me everything i was afraid to ask

2005-05-27T02:26:00.000-07:00

i felt as though i shouldn't have gone to the box hill interview today. but this isn't the time, nor is the place for me to comment. i still believe that whoever goes there will be happy, can't ask for much more then that (apart from a bst i guess, or perhaps a dip obs from ireland).

meanwhile, catching up with people socially over the last couple of nights has been enjoyable. there's a few people in the group, i'd like to spend more time with and get to know better. even though i've spent almost the past 2 years with them, i still haven't quite appreaciated who they are and where they come from. i'd like to resolve that in the coming months, after all, time's running out for us as a group.

now to find a way to kill a lazy friday night.

even your shadow worships you in your jungle solitude.

2005-05-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

inhale / resolve
exhale / ambition

i have achieved nothing today.

inhale / love of life
exhale / fear of death

i have watched bad tv, good tv and spun the little wheel on my ipod around a couple of thousand times.

inhale / what I want to be
exhale / how I want to be seen

i really should take life more seriously.

inhale / tolerance
exhale / judgement

i should take the oppurtunities presented to me, personally and professionally.

i have all I need
i can live without

whilst i'm dulled by excess and a cynic at best, my art imitates crime

2005-05-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

what a fantastic weekend. it's been a bit random, but overwhelmingly good :-)

first of all, i woke up on saturday after a night out, thinking "i want an ipod... i want one now". so i made plans, ended up having to head into the city to get it as the other place had sold out (tantrum 1 - store owner 0). picked up the 30gb ipod photo and went on my way. i don't care if you think of me as a consumerist, because this thing is fan-fucking-tastic :D i can now understand how they've become engrained in popular culture so quickly.

saturday night was a bit sleepy, i was conned into going out and seeing star wars.. it was an ok film with regards to the other 5, but it was a poor film seen in isolation. george lucas, i've vomitted out better dialogue. anway, come home spend the day stuffing around, and surprise surprise, i get an email!

Dear Ryan

Congratulations! Your entry in the iPod shuffle Giveaway Promotion was
randomly drawn and you are a winner of a brand-new 512MB iPod shuffle.

turns out, i've won another ipod, purely by buying yesterday! my name even appears at http://www.apple.com.au/shuffle the smile hasn't left my face all day! well it did for a little bit, as i've had to turn down the chance to move into lou's place and fill mins spot (no it didn't involve wearing arm socks either :P). that would've been quite a household... the smell of baking would've wafted all the way down to RMH :-)

a bike to go along with the car :-)

raindrops will turn to laughter in your technicolour heart

2005-05-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

so the preference game continues. it's the only thing on everyones mind at the moment (well, apart from being single). RMH jumps back to number 1 and box hill is off the list. i used to think i was a decisive person, but all this internship caper is making me rethink that. i keep feeling as though there will be some horrible life long consequences for getting this choice wrong, yet the rational side of me knows that's simply not true. why is it so hard to decide then?

with regards to the future of medleys, it's still up in the air.... at this stage there'll be no show. after almost 100 years of history and the last 10 years at UHT, why the fuck do they seem intent on destroying everything that the show stands for? more bureaucratic crap to annoy the hell out of me. before UHT, medleys was in melbourne town hall, the night was combined with med ball. after the infamous incident of 1995, it was decided to bring medleys back onto campus and the show has grown from strength to strength since then... it's a great idea not having the performers more pissed then the audience. i hope this can work itself out...

building on what lou has already said about makeovers, i personally think it's fantastic how everyone is taking control of their lives and forging them how they want. it's kinda empowering being at this stage of our lives/careers and having so much control about where you're headed and who you are.

the book is now open and patrons will be served in the order in which they've written down their name.

i think i'll take this car for internship :D

then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this

2005-05-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

Preference	Hospital/Postition
1	Western Health (Western Hospital)
2	Melbourne Health (Royal Melbourne Hospital)
3	Ballarat Health Services
4	Austin/Northern Health (joint recruitment)
5	Eastern Health (Box Hill Hospital)

someone please tell me if i'm making a fucking mistake.

i swear that wasn't me driving the beasteor.

where is the line with you?

2005-05-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

i'm happy. that's all that needs to be said. i'm happy with where i am, I'm happy with the direction i'm headed. what the hell more could i want? someone mentioned that i might be having a crisis in my life, i disagree. after feeling so stagnated in my life for so long, it's nice to have the freedom to shape my life how i want it.

Lou says:
all gp's are happy baz

maybe my happiness is a sign i should become a gp? :-)

a garden is it's own perfect world, where everything has a place

2005-05-10T01:50:00.000-07:00

Preference	Hospital/Postition
1	Melbourne Health (Royal Melbourne Hospital)
2	Western Health (Western Hospital)
3	Austin/Northern Health (joint recruitment)
4	Ballarat Health Services
5	Eastern Health (Box Hill Hospital)

anyone want to take bets as to how long it'll take before I change it?

i believe i can see the future, becuase i repeat the same routine

2005-05-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

apart from this fkn head cold, the last few days have been pretty tops. well saturday night could have been better, but perhaps i went into it expecting too much? i should be happy with where i'm at? at least the ed shift with lou was a blast. my friendship with her has strengthed over the last couple of weeks and she's been great company in the ed, thanks lou. i really need to stop asking annoying questions though, i'd punch the person that asked me the causes of hypokalaemia at 0400AM on sunday morning. so thanks for not hitting me lou, i know lubie would have. but then lubie would have hit me anyway. such an angry man. with a beard.

it also seems that those i surround myself with are all in the process of sorting out their personal and professional lives and i guess i'd include myself in this. everyone's at different stages, but i'm hard pressed to think of a person that's not undergoing some sort of change. is this what 20 somethings do when they grow up? are we sorting ourselves out or are we sorting out each other? personally it feels like we're all at a precipice... decisions about work, relationships and even who our friends are, is going shape where we're at in 1/2/5/10 years time. i can't think of another stage in my life where even small decisions carried so much weight. will i be planning to piss off the uk at this time next year? or will i be contemplating a bst? is a fucking FRACS even what i want out of my life? over the past couple of years, that's the direction i've been setting myself up in, but is the shitty lifestyle for myself and whoever i have a relationship with really worth it? i shouldn't make a job the be all and end all of what i am.

at least everyone seems happy. what more could i want to make me happy?

*sigh* (c) baz

just like a paper tiger, you're torn apart by idle hands

2005-05-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

i've had an absolute blast the last few days. it's not because i've had a fantastic learning experience, or think that i've found my niche in medicine, but because the people i've been dealing with have been great. they've gone out of their way a lot of the times and given us some independence, much like my elective. autonomy is underrated. Also the hours spent just sitting and chatting, with the interns, residents and registrars have been fantastic. i only hope they managed to drive home OK after thursday morning drinks in the residents quarters (yet another good reason to go to rmh)

i did some hard thinking last night though, about riding motorbikes. even though i'm not a full time rider yet, just seeing that guy banged up, lying on the trauma table, just made me think "do i want to put myself in that situation?". i chatted to ben (another rider) about it today and amazingly he actually rode past the accident (it happenned in glenroy apparently). apparently it was a huge motorbike and the road was oily. the bike was in pieces scattered across the road. a bike doesn't end up that way if you're doing the speed limit and riding properly. just looking at his helmet as well, he appeared to take the brunt of the impact on his jaw which was a bloody strange place of impact. all of this together makes me (and ben) think that it might've been a case of "hero syndrome", a guy with a huge motorbike, trying to be a hero, either by going way too fast, or by mono'ing the bike along the road. both of these are completely inappropriate, there's a time for a place for doing those things, and it's not on a public road at peak hour. which makes me feel a little bit better about riding. even though i can minimise my chances of harm, it's the the stuff I can't control that has me just a smidgen worried. once i start riding fulltime, i guess i'll reasses how i feel.... i can always sell the bike and the gear if i don't feel 100% right.

i'm feeling excited about medleys this year. it's going to be my last show which is kinda sad, the friendships and experience i've had with these people have been the highlights of medical school (sorry group a). there's some gold sketches written (hopefully one or two of them are mine). we'll see you all at the show.

even though i'm fkn busy at this point in my life, doing nothing in particular, i feel as though i'm on the verge of being lonely. i've got people surrounding me, for the first time in ages, i don't have anyone to do stuff with, or even do nothing with. maybe i should start dating again? not only might it be distracting, but it might even fix the problem. *sigh* is this what i want?

in the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey

2005-05-02T03:33:00.000-07:00

this emergency caper is ok. even though i've really only spent a couple of hours talking to a hot little nurse about motorbikes, it wasn't as intimidating as i thought. perhaps when we actually do something medical i'll feel differently, until then, let the good times roll. i wonder how lou and xiang are doing, i honestly thought i'd see them pop onto msn by now. maybe i can't read people as well as i thought i could? which reminds me, i can't believe how many psych patients came through triage, all presenting with self-harm variants. i couldn't quite comprehend how a lady admitted for od'ing on benzo's, could go to the toilet in the ed dept. and manage to od again (twice). if people want to really kill themselves surely they'd work out there were better ways about it? how exactly can you answer their cries for help then? with so many "nutty" people out there, how can i stop it happenning to myself, or those that i care about? silly neurosies, but where would blogs be without them?

my lips are movin' but there's no sound

2005-04-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

well, seeing as i'm now blogging two sites, i guess i'll have to be a bit more careful with the way i phrase things. we'll see how it goes.

the past four weeks have been above all amusing... for a variety of different reasons. it also felt a lot like high school, the gossip, the d&m's, the practical jokes and of course, the drinking. there's been a lot that has come out in the open, some of it surprising, some of it not. but overall i think i've got a much stronger feeling about where certain people are coming from now, it's nice having that little bit more understanding. it also gives me a few new perspectives to reflect upon. it kinda feels though as things have all come to a head over the last few days... i can only presume they'll come to some sort of resolution over the next couple of days. watch this space.

is it cowardly to take someone back, to try and stop the immediate hurt... even though you know it's going to end in more hurt in the long run?

i'll exit this first proper post with this few words for the people i know that'll be reading this:

xiang i'm sorry for your loss
chi, i'm sorry for the mike patton cds
min, i'm sorry for the snake
lou, i'm sorry for the lack of mayonaise choc cake
xiu, i'm sorry for your trip to shepp. if only you twins could have been there.
brumbles, i'm sorry for the past four weeks. you're an amazingly strong person
lubie, i'm sorry for calling the cops when you parked your car on the wrong side of the road

2005-04-30T04:39:00.000-07:00

meat helmet

i've given in

2005-04-30T04:22:00.000-07:00

public blogging.... how shameful.